Vas' Website2017-12-07

Reddit Circlejerk Comments

These are my best comments on reddit until I deleted my account. Almost all of them are from technology-related circlejerks, so they're meant to be read as parodies. Enjoy.

I used to be a female JS dev making six figures writing electron stopwatch apps for NASA. This all changed when I joined my company's slack and I saw the greatest of all horrors: "guys". Unlike men, who grew up on goatse and /b/ trolls, I'm more fragile than a 2 week old node.js framework. My insecurities hit me with the brutality of my practicality and I committed sudoku on the spot. If only I had a strong, ideologically pure protector in my slack group.

It was Monday and I had just discovered a simple, but catastrophic bug pushed to master. Some idiot checked in our AWS API key to a public git repo. No worries, I said to myself, I'll fix it right up.

It's Tuesday now and Atom has just finished launching. I try typing in the search field, but every keystroke is a struggle. I began typing the field name, and the input latency is so high that I had enough time to type this comment out.

The field's name? lol_image_post

how do I improve my programmers' productivity?

Convince them to work 70 hour weeks. Maybe install a ping pong table in the bathroom and a real loud set of speakers right in the middle of your open plan playing Friday on loop.

Motivate them to do in-company hackathons—you provide the coffee and pizza, of course, but not the overtime payment.

God I love this industry.

Q: Why Slack instead of IRC / XMPP?

A: React development version in production.

In America, the compiler works for you. In Oxidised Rustia, you work for the compiler.

Back in my day I thought browsers adopted a multiprocess model to parallelise workloads. Little did I know the true intention was letting 32-bit programs use more than 3GB of RAM. Can't wait for 2027 when 16 exabytes just won't cut it for some casual browsing and office work, and we finally transition to X86-128. Hell it's debatable whether we'll make it to the end of this decade before a 300 word long medium listicle weighs more than a Coalgirls encode.

Window managers, panels, start menus etc. from last century do the exact same stuff the fancy 21st century ones do. In some cases, they even do more. Icewm comes with more functionality out of the box than gnome at a fraction of its resources regardless of the metric you use (memory, CPU, SLOC). Given a reasonable configuration you could use either interchangeably with no difference besides looks. That's the consequence of our interactions with desktops not radically changing: mouse, keyboard, display.

Of course this is unacceptable for the capital of vapid consumerism, San Fransisco, and so companies build cults around them to convince you to buy their broken and poorly implemented crap because it looks trendier than the old stuff, not because it actually does more or does the old things better. Again, in some cases, they do less and do it worse. It took until this year's 3.22 release of Nautilus for the 3.x line to stop crashing immediately at random during searches, and I wish that was the only regression compared to 2.x. Don't even get me started on the electron-based standalone websites.

To be honest at this point I'm so cynical that I doubt flat design has anything to do with minimalist aesthetics. I'd wager it's about making it easy for your slave wage developers to double as interface designers so you can save more of a buck on your way to a nice fat venture capital loan. As expected what you get are bloated abominations nobody can figure out how to use, never mind properly run them. Just visit the new and improved YouTube which just so happens to have broken the browser's search function. Bonus memes if you try it on a mobile device so your 120Hz refresh rate display can stutter back to 0.26FPS waiting for Angular to summon Cthulhu. Ironically 90s dinosaurs like image boards and mailing list archives work very well with minimal changes for the few radical UI and media developments we actually had (smartphones, tablets, html5 video).

Really makes you think where those billions of dollars are going.

WEE WOO WEE WOO genericist detected! To the golag you go!

I just typed random vowels that sort of seemed cool.

Have you considered rewriting it in rust? Rust has fearless concurrency, no ergonomics, unreadable syntax, overhyped fanbase, and none of your precious libraries, so I think it'll go perfect with your project.

if (tweet != nil)
    return nil


AWS cloud goes down, destroying half the internet

I've sat on this meme forever and it is finally relevant.

I, for one, want the verbosity and prototyping speed of a typed language, with the memory management and type safety of a dynamic one. Brutally practical.

No country in the entire planet has free speech except the one you just so happen to live in. Nice meme my dude, where did you pick up that kind of expertise in literally every legal system under the sun? Truly, I don't know what political theorists were even doing before James Madison meditated himself into the Platonic Realm and inscribed the First Amendment onto stone tablets. The_donald posters keep amazing with their MENSA-tier intellect. :^)

1X? What a joke. Pythonthreestas can't even use a language that's turing complete. More like 0.1X.

This but unironically and also ELF binaries are compiled to JS dynamically by the kernel.

You mean HN isn't crowdsourced marketting for my hipster caffeinated framework?

Atom is the future of GUI apps

Finally I can have the blazing speed of Atom literally everywhere. And by speed I mean how fast my CPU fan is spinning. Programmers are naked in our company's offices cause the heat is so damn high.

That's why I'd like to introduce the motherfucking framework! I wrote it in coffeescript and it's amazing. You put your model (in HTML) under ./actualfuckingcontent/ and all your CSS+JS under ./uselessbaggage. Then it deletes your CSS+JS for you! It even transcodes your HDR photographs from PNG to JPEG with mozjpeg defaults for you! Truly amazing 21st century tech.

> 2018

> Not using Haskal++

kys pleb and this comment thread's X average will go up by 9.999, that's how 0.0001X you are.

RUSTC is my compiler; I shall not want.

It makes me lie down in zero-cost abstraction: it leads me beside move semantics,

It restores my depression: it leads me in the paths of memory safety for its cult's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of rust, I will fear no legibility: for shiftkey+numberrow is with me; your symbols and your unwraps() they obfuscate me.

You prepare a codebase before me in the presence of github: you anoint my fingers with carpal tunnel syndrome; my eyeballs bleeding over.

Surely rewrites and ports shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of RUSTC for ever.

app running slow

You wouldn't be having these problems if you'd coded it in GPGR (general purpose GPU rust). It has zero-cost abstractions, move semantics, fearless concurrency, anisotropic filtering, 60FPS full HD, 7.1 Dolby©® Surround™, AAA valuation, 95% Rotten Tomatoes approval, IP67 certification, congressional approval, and other buzzwords.

good as when my P hits the Azure

Wait till the Azure hits your bank account.

google buys a whole fuckton of Soylent

They would've bought Soylent outright if it was called Soylent.js and the TLD was io. I'm not even jerking, you know it's true.

Only if you buy my book, Taking o out of .bro. $49.99 on Amazon, 0.1^(ω)% of the proceeds go to the National Organisation for Women, comes with free laptop sticker so you can get laid in your local Starbucks.

Elon Musk works 70 hour weeks

I don't need time for friends, family, lovers, hobbies, or living. I need only the gentle embrace of debt, clocking in 160 hour work weeks. I type brainlessly day in, day out, competing with Indians for work, but with venture capitalists for rent. I remember a time before this, before I spent more type figuring out java class names so long they read like War and Peace than actually reading War and Peace. I look at my wallpaper. It used to be my waifu, but then I got sued for copyright infringement and genociding the white race. I thought I was safe, but my processor detected illegal content, turned on as I slept, and reported me to my ISP. I'm not allowed to decode Verizon content cause I use Comcast branded laptops. Ron Paul looks back at me with a smile, but deep down I know he judges me. Maybe if I worked 320 hour weeks I'd deserve better pay than a Walmart cashier. I'm not 10X enough yet. I drown my misery in whiskey and my very own artisanal node.js framework, made with ♥. Maybe it'll trend on medium and I'll be able to attend a tech conference. It's my last hope to be a captain of industry like God king Elon "Ozymandias" Musk.

You're right. Nothing should get in the way of progress. Y'all shut up and transpile your shit to asm.js. x86 is just a relic of the past.

Nobody can prove your code has any errors if nobody can read it. Add more symbols and nested functions 'n shit till it looks like ascii85-encoded symmetrically encrypted gzipped hello world in Malbolge. English is overrated when you have the compiler of Gods in your hands. Heathens say source code is for humans. They don't realise I'm Elon Musk. I've renamed all rust keywords to arbitrary sequences from the Unicode Symbols planes with macros and solved the tabs/spaces/newlines issue by replacing all whitespace with U+0091.

guy loses thousands of dollars to bitcoin bug

Bitcoin has no bugs, only features, and Satoshi's true genius is in mastering the dark art of bugfeaturomancy. Deflationary spirals, rampant speculation with no concrete backing, no stability, ponzi schemes, disgustingly immoral activity, zero oversight, countless lost KWh, zero scalability, high transaction costs, high transaction times, and losing your entire fortune to bugs and unintuitive or expected behaviour may be considered bad for some. They don't grasp bitcoin's true value: cleansing the planet of the unworthy, as they all go bankrupt and starve. Discarding the last few centuries' progress in economics and finance is but a small price to pay for freedom, specifically freedom from the shackles of the material plane.

Most authors only go as far as emmental, but that hardly registers on my palate. You need to go saltier. Grab yourself some bleu d'Auvergne and sandwitch it between two slices of feta, then sprinkle some good ol' edam on top for the finisher. Just straight up pure unadulterated cheese. I want so much cheese I get blood clots and am paralysed from the waist down so I have a decent excuse to consume more of your cheese. Some people say that's too much cheese, but I say not to be afraid to dream a little cheesier, darling.

Something something inflation something something theft. Keynes bad, Rothbard Jesus.

how do I define an array?

With verbosity, you pleb.

    Variable-Name: ArrayOf3,
    Variable-Type: Array-Type(
        Integer-Type({BitLength: Number-Enum.One-Hundred-Twenty-Eight}),
        Integer-Type({BitLength: Number-Enum.One-Hundred-Twenty-Eight}),
        Integer-Type({BitLength: Number-Enum.One-Hundred-Twenty-Eight})),
    Variable-Value: Array-Value({Array-Length: Number-Enum.Three,
        Actual-Array-Contents: Actual-Array-Contents-Factory(

What has happened to this industry?

Paris fashion week.

javascript blockchain for stock trading

We at GoldmanSachs.js aspire to relive 2008 every time one of our frameworks goes out of fashion. To the moon!

Can it get any more webshit than this?

Yes. Your web page looks like this, each header / sidebar / whatever is an independent webcomponent that loads its own slightly different unikernel to mine a different fork of bitcoin, sometimes multiple simultaneously, then sending the gains to a child slavery ring manufacturing Che Guevara T-shirts in rural China. Total page weight is the Windows Vista minimum HDD space requirement on launch day but even uglier. Your shitpost is the base64-encoded BMP version of a JPEG of the spectrogram of the WAV version of an AAC recording of Siri speaking an 70-character tweet, 68 of which are the @-handles of various users involved in that thread. Efficiency.

I love the sound of open plans in the morning. Team members sip on some java and fire up Firefox as the 1536 open tabs load. My favourite subreddit is of course pinned. They gaze upon this post, and like an elder god chorus, they sing off tune and asynchronously:

"lol image post"

Help, I'm stuck in insert mode and my laptop doesn't have an escape key. Also I feel dizzy watching letters appear on the screen and feel like puking. Normally typing has a 10-20 second latency trying to process my blinking cursor in my browser-app-editor and sending every keystroke to for ~~telemetry~~ autocompletion. I'm in a rush cause I need to deploy this passwordless Mongo VM over HTTP by nightfall and I dropped my tablet yesterday so I can't use that.

smartphones removing headphone jacks

I think we should remove some more I/O to improve battery life. Sound is overrated since I only care for reading medium articles. Touchscreens and buttons are too; voice assistants will pick up the slack. Hell, remove the display entirely and just send screenshots of said medium articles to my google glass please. This will make the device thinner so I can clip my nails on it and see it flying around if it's windy. No ports will fit, so scrap those, but it's all metal so no wireless charging either. You get to buy a new one for $699.99 every time you run out, which may sound bad, but the mean time between release and no software support is around 9 nanoseconds already so it's actually a steal.

windows/mac developers switch to linux

Then they switch back cause systemd's literally the shittiest and this somehow affects my ability to browse reddit. Every time my fingers type "systemctl" I can feel my love for this industry slowly leaving me. Some people on IRC suggested aliasing the command in bashrc but I don't know what that is, and anyway when I tried writing Haskell in it it errored out with some syntax error so obviously it's bug central.

systemd is the cancer that's single-handedly killing open source forever. Just yesterday I was considering how horrid it is that we have a passable de facto IPC interface and a single logging daemon instead of three running in the same system at different stages of the boot process and got this inexplicable urge to rm -rf my life. I'd sooner install 20GB's worth of Microsoft NSA data donation services than accept an init system which thinks network configuration should be a first-class citizen in the internet era. If I wanted integration I'd be using a useless pleb OS like illumos or *BSD.

generics considered harmful

What you don't understand is that metaphors are layers of separation; they're abstractions. Ideas are like bare metal, and language evolves on top so that feeble minds can cope with it. But feeble I am not. I am 10X; hear me roar! I eat, drink, piss, shit, breathe, and ejaculate efficiency, so I keep it close to the metal, like Javascript.

Take Angular, for example. Angular is an idea, an ideal, the intersection between the entropy of our world and the ~~Platonic~~ 10X realm. Angular is bare metal. Metaphors, on the other hand, are like AbstractSingletonProxyFactoryBeanFactoryContainerManagerFactoryFactoryParserCompilerTranspilerDisassemblerFactories. They consolidate many meanings unto one. They're generic. They're considered harmful.

I tried reading War and Peace the other day. Many have commented on the aesthetics of the prose, the way Tolstoy manipulates grammar and syntax to get a message across. A work of art, they said, but all I could think of was what kind of subhuman chimpanzee would bother themselves with such a childish, almost masturbatory exercise. Literature as art? Please. Think of all the hours of productivity wasted in vapid "allegories" and shit. If only it read like a changelog, it would be so much better. I don't have time for this shit. I have web scale frying pans to add to the internet of shit.

terminal written in electron lags when typing "ls"

UNIX verified not web scale.

12MB webpage for CSS conference

Graceful degradation. Partial rendering. High information density. Optimised time to first blit. Respectful of low bandwidth, high packet loss countries. Compressing your 3MB PNG photographs with mozjpeg defaults. Sub 12933ms latencies. These are all 0.1X pleb notions. Leave them behind. Be 10X.

PS: It's 16MB now.

Privacy is just a bottleneck tbh so IDK what the big fuss is about. I've got nothing to hide. Also do you guys know there isn't a consistent definition? Inconsistency is invalidity so Cory Doctorow btfo. We should only pursue consistent things like freedom and JavaScript. What are you even afraid of? Nobody cares about your personal information my dude. We should live in a post privacy world, which is precisely why every time I learn anything politically useful about a celeb or a colleague I abuse it through web scale shaming to climb the social ladder. I've just conveniently defined everything as political, especially the personal, so I don't feel bad hunting down stray tweets and master slave git commits to ruin lives. I just don't understand why you'd want to hide your unpopular beliefs, identities, fetishes, or medical history. After all there's no history of persecution over these things by states or shady bloggers hunting clicks under the guise of the greater good. I'd know as a silicon valley liberal white guy whose only socialisation is with the front end team at work and the Starbucks barrista. I'm super informed and supremely rational and in touch with the average person. Now excuse me as I lose sleep trying to figure out if I should buy a Google pixel now or wait until later this year.

The ultimate test for a new language is reimplenting fizzbuzz and bubblesort. We'll use them as evidence for how bug-free it is compared to trivial projects such as kernels and raytracers.

My laptop has two 2TB NVMe M.2 Samsung SSDs in RAID0 that I use as swap so that I can code while also having a YouTube tab open. Never before has man been able to do two things at once on a computer.

Personally if I don't have 7MB of JS on a webpage I can't read it. I might as well be blind.

I personally use Tom Thumb when I SSH in from my 4K smartphone. Without scaling. I need the information density to fit all the copies of my function so that it works for all types.

Shitty page → [link]

Competent™℠®©§ page → [link]

Hacker News hype is like the people who insisted you should buy their CDOs right before the recession.

Damn straight. Interpreted and dynamic languages GTFO. They're only ever used for unserious shit like your init scripts, makefiles, package managers, Wikipedia, BitTorrent clients, and every script I've ever run on a website. It feels good sitting on my high horse pretending I know what I'm talking about.

Oxidised CoCs only twitch for breasts. It is known.

oowoo some people use the genocide of the jewish race to cope with art school

should I stop writing video games cause they'll look bad on my résumé?

Of course you should. Programming is serious business, don't you know? Your portfolio should be filled with todo app MVCs. Who the fuck has fun hacking around? Have you ever seen anything of value ever come out of having fun? Like a kernel?

Stop writing games. Hell, stop playing them while at it; only people who hate women play them anyway, so that reflects poorly on you. Spend your free time on something serious, like rewriting a file system in javascript.

> 2017

> not writing your own text editor

kys pls

gas vim users, editor war now

Whoa there bigot, wrist lives matter.

golang releases plushie

Manufacture plushies, ignore generics. Go community prioritises the important things.

why are stock options bad?

Your infinitesimal Google stocks have no bearing on whether a terrible management decision, a scandal, or just plain ol competition will tank the stock into oblivion. Or any of the other myriads of ways tbh, like a bad tweet from your populist president. You have no power or influence over these decisions, management and (indirectly) larger stockholders do, to say nothing of the ADHD afflicted markets. Currency has risk too, like yearly inflation and the overall stability of your country, but if you think the US government going under and any of the things listed above have equal risk, you should spend more time reading books and less calling people spergs over reddit. Risk can be profitable, but it should be my decision how much and what kind of risk I'm willing to take, not my employer, who has insanely disproportionate power over me and an entirely different risk profile.

The amount of variables at play here is mind boggling, and programmers have the financial literacy of a zygote and thus not even aware of their existence, never mind balancing them out. That is precisely why stock options are unacceptable, because unscrupulous 10X capitalists who masturbate to Atlas Shrugged every night exploit their programmers ignorance to convince them insanely complicated financial decisions like where to invest your capital is actually doing them a favour and promoting companionship or loyalty in their new age corporate cult.

The 30th birthday hits many people hard, but for some it truly is magical.

/usr/bin/env -i PATH=/opt/electron/coreutils.js/ XDG_JERK_LEVEL='cupertino' cat << EOF

> be 10X

> write electron web app to replace 50 lines of of bash, notify-send, zenity, and cron

> cutesy sheep gif weighs more than all your code combined

> form_over_function.jpg

Time to blow my brains out.


Web apps starting is so 2017. I live on the edge. There's a reason they call it serverless.

We've replaced the basic unit of memory with the gigabyte. Get on with the times, dinosaur.

coalgirls shutting down

The end is upon us but the bandwidth saturation lives on in the nyaalysian fields.

We'll use Comic Sans to be accessible to the less fortunate. We'll also set the font size to 5pt, use light-brown-on-light-pink, modify the cursor, and have cute gifs flying around (preferably over body text), draw important content on canvas elements, bundle 5 megabytes in JS frameworks, and refuse to display properly on monitors under 5120x2880.

js framework embedding other frameworks

If only web browsers had a way to embed pages within other pages… They could be assigned frames or something and some sandboxing, so the developer wouldn't have to worry about the separation. Alas, that's impossible.

Emoji-encoded CPU microcode when?

Does "developing technology" sound like an "art project" to you, or like something more... technological?

SV is Moloch, but worse.

Publicly traded company. Publicly available data. Who needs IPFS when you have the network of all Mongo servers?

I'd like to introduce "As a Service Naming as a Service"; for a low fee, we'll find cool nouns you can offer "as a Service". I've already sent our whitepaper to all major VC firms. We accept investment in Coinye and Galaxy Note 7 batteries.

Listen up Scripty McHack, marketing wants a cryptocurrency that's distributed, but we can ban abusers, that deflates, but mining difficulty doesn't increase, that uses a blockchain, but scales up like Mastercard. Your budget is a month's rent in Somalia, your deadline is the time it takes to finish my buritto, and you must use this very specific build of Angular, otherwise our servers will rm -rf --no-preserve-root / if localtime is divisible by 394. Your sysadmin certificate will help, as will the Indian slave labour that can't write hello world in python without a syntax error. Oh, we'd also like you to be on call for the next 48 hours cause Little Bobby Tables has been injecting DROPs like no tomorrow in our clients. If you fail you're fired, you entitled brat.

> big tech meetup

> very successful entrepreneur on the panel

> didn't get much time to elaborate and give resolutions

Alright boys, what's the over/under on them being in a business / marketting position since forever and the most code they've ever written is a YAML config file during their web dev 101 class. I accept payment in bitcoin and github stars.

Just go serverless man, who even needs to own their hardware in 2017 TBH. If you don't have enough venture capital to pay $100,000 / year for cloud hosting your social network, you're doing it wrong. Just let big daddy Amazon solve all your issues for you, especially the issue of having too much money around.

This is what happens when you have an interface that could be used for any arbitrary binary. By losing specificity you open yourself to exploitation. Generics considered harmful.

This is exactly what I need. I was browsing the myriads of open-source, high-performance databases, with well-documented behaviour and use cases, and I was thinking how boring that is. Owning my data, owning my stack, nah, that ain't for me. I wanna be locked in a Microsoft service that they can arbitrarily upsell, change, revoke, data mine, send to foreign governments, and use to develop genocidal AI. I felt amazing when it happened to Evernote, Google Reader, and Twitter. The sweet smell of nothing ever making any sense whatsoever in a world of financial speculation run amok arouses me, like stale urine. FYI my fetishes are weird.

Truly this scales entire planets. People say the age of the planet is 4.5 billion years, but that's actually a liberal conspiracy. Others say it's 6000 years, but that's actually a conservative conspiracy. The true answer is webdevism, i.e. 6 months, which is about as long as it takes for a stable framework release to break every single API and/or go offline entirely. Now all we need is an electron + react + coffeescript UI for it to maximise performance on our iPads.

Finally I can write my todo app in rust. There's 0 bugs in my 200 lines of code, so clearly my language choice is superior.

No. SQL is a last century language for last century problems.

koinye west

Putting the pawn in ponzi scheme, one bitcoin at a time. Replacing big banks with random celebs. AUSTRIAN ECONOMICS

It's time for Mr. Trump to replace the U.S. Dollar with a proper currency with a real record of stability, like ECoin.

Wait, wrong TV show... or is it? 🤔

If you nationalise twitter, then you can't use xkcd to shut down all discussion on censorship. I'm not sure if this would produce better jerking or worse jerking, but I'm willing to fund a study to find out. I can only pay in github stars tho.

Ex-googler partners with SF biotech firm to disrupt the food industry with revolutionary device that grows your very own fruit, right at home. "You only need sunlight, water, and soil!" the lead developer said, who used to be Google's senior front-end framework rewrite architect engineer manager. "But we didn't stop there; every purchase will connect with our cloud and can be monitored remotely with our Android app!" He went on to reassure us that even though the device listens in and video captures all activity in the vicinity, collected data would only be used to "optimise" the company's "revenue streams". When asked about the company's partnership with PornHub, he chose not to comment.

The device will launch Q1 2018 with a Snapdragon 210 SoC and 80GB of RAM, and will come in three different shades of green. Preorders are already open for the low low price of three nonillion etherium, or $931.74.

sublime editor sidebar extension spies on you

They need analytics to improve your sidebar better, you pleb. No wonder you're -1X. I bet you're one of those neoluddites who think erectile dysfunction ads on your editor's scrollbar are a step too far. Big data is here to stay, and if you don't like it, well, it would be a shame if your HR department "accidentally" learned of your every single fetish, especially the offensive ones. azure cloud costs

At this rate he'll be burning through like 80 grand a year. What the fuck dude. I'm pretty sure you could run 2013 era twitter on that kind of hardware.

did we even have memes in the 90s?

We had websites with less Javascript weight than the entire Harry Potter franchise in epub, so probably not. I doubt we even had bitmaps before HTML5 canvas. Caturday must've really sucked in ASCII mode.

The singular of go is node.js.

SV engineers microdose on LSD to boost productivity

If you use anything but rust in your company, try overdosing instead. You're better off dead anyway.

rust in a web browser

Using a highly abstracted text layout model together with a systems programming language. I used to think technology stacks should have some kind of predictable relationship with the hardware, but apparently I know nothing.

Now that I'm enlightened, I built my own, equally consistent GUI framework. The APIs are dead simple: you just blit pixels directly on the screen, and that's it. You don't even get a virtual workspace by default; you have to manage windowing on your own. The target programming language is Ruby. I call it Ruby off the Rails.

Every time it sounds like she gets butthurt, I take a shot [of whiskey]

I'm pretty sure uploading your own alcohol poisoning goes against the YouTube terms of service.

Intro book? $20.

Macbook? $3000.

Hype? Multinational ad company.

Carpal tunnel syndrome surgery for all the reimplementations of your trivial fucking function? $5,500.

Making C look elegant in 2017? Priceless.

There's some things generics can't buy. For everything else there's cargo cults.