5+1 ways to increase your productivity by 69,420%
It’s 5AM. Your eyes are sore staring at your screen. You’ve been power farming in World of Warcraft since… you don’t even remember when you started. You look down to your phone every so often so that you can take breaks by farming in Fate/Grand Order and stroking your peen a little to Shuten’s gloriously prepubescent thighs. In the back of your mind, you’re thinking: “man, wouldn’t it be nice if I were more productive?” I got you bruh. Hello and welcome to my self-help guide. I am Chad Thundercock, notorious self-made billionaire, CEO of my Silicon Valley company that I started with my own bare hands and a small loan of a million dollars from my dad. The only thing separating you and me are our habits, and if you became as productive as I am, you would be a billionaire yourself. That’s because the world is fair and exclusively rewards good habits, nothing else, and if you disagree you deserve homelessness. Join me on my wild ride and gradually we’ll lift the bottom 99.9% to the top 0.1% with me so that we can all be the top 0.1% together, just so long as you remember that I’m above you.
1. No games
I know this will trigger you millennials, but it’s very obvious. If you don’t spend 16 hours a day playing video games, you will have 16 hours free to work. Fairly simple, isn’t it? Sell your consoles and replace your desktop PC with something that can’t play games, like a 12″ Macbook. Video games are for losers with no life, incels, subhuman parasites that should be thrown into gas chambers, and children, but I repeat myself. They aren’t even art! Sit down and think to yourself: when you’re 60 and retired, will you want to look back at your 20s and remember the epic raids you had with your friends before they all married and became hollow husks and then killed themselves after their divorces, or staring at spreadsheets for $4/hour while you’re listening to CEO interviews? The answer is clear as day and if you can’t identity it, I hope the coronavirus eugenicises you.
2. No smartphone
The smartphone is the worst thing that has ever been invented, which is why my Silicon Valley startup valuated at over $1,000,000,000 makes mobile games. The smartphone has literally been designed to addict you and you need to unplug. Delete your Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. You don’t need to interact with any person you aren’t in physical contact to. In fact, you don’t need to interact with anyone. The only opinion that matters is yours mine, for I am your self-help guru/messiah. The internet creates echo chambers and radicalises people, therefore by never talking to anyone who isn’t me, you are immunised from a low level of information diversity and multiple points of view. I keep my smartphone in airplane mode all the time, except for when I need to download more CEO interviews to listen to. Smartphone addiction is real, and just like all addicts, the solution to such degeneracy is gas chambers.
3. Minimalism
Another problem that is holding you back is owning too much stuff. Owning stuff means you have to pay attention to them and owning an apartment big enough to store them. This is distracting and expensive. That’s why you need to get rid of all your shit. Gaming console? Sold. Bed? Sleep in a futon. First edition, signed copy of A Game of Thrones? Burn it, buy the ebook. Your mother’s ashes? Throw it in a dump. If your entire life can’t fit in a 10 sq. metre apartment, you’re living in extravagance. As I grew up, I came to realise that physical possessions are holding me back. The only wealth that matters is the number in my bank account and the information I’ve collected from those CEO interviews. Owning stuff is an innately unnatural experience, which is why our ancestors never hunted or gathered anything. Literally nothing of value has come from owning and preserving physical objects. The optimal way for a person to live is devoid of any ownership, always renting and always ephemeral, every moment that matters an ethereal number on a screen and every object bit rotting in an AWS data centre. Owning things contributes to the greenhouse effect, which is killing people, and murder should be punished with the death sentence.
4. Nofap
This might also be controversial for you millennial coomers, but masturbation is a waste of time. Orgasms are well documented to be one of the least enjoyable experiences a man can have. This is why “orgasmic” is a synonym for “suffering”. You need to let go of your worldly desires and transcend this mortal realm. That way, you will release more testosterone, which will make you more manly and attractive to women, because you will have the manly mojo that they secretly desire. Also, you will be able to transmute your reproductive powers to productive powers, like listening to CEO interviews. The longer you stay nofap, the more superpowers you will get. I suggest you start immediately, and if the going gets hard, consider chemical castration, hormone replacement therapy, and of course complete orchiectomy & penectomy combo to minimise the possibility of doing something immoral and unnatural, such as having a filthy, disgusting male orgasm and male sexuality. Perhaps this could be institutionalised in an international castration day.
5. Dopamine fast
Even if you do all of the above, you’re still not in the clear. What they all have in common is that they make you feel good, and feeling good is addictive. If you feel too good, you are going to have trouble being productive. That’s why you need to be in a constant state of dopamine detox: never let yourself be too happy with anything. This isn’t about just video games and fapping either. Dopamine is everywhere and it is the enemy. Music. Tasty food. Socialising. Hobbies. A sense of achievement. You need to let go of these crutches. Listen only to the worst ear-rape music that has no melody or rhythm. Ensure your food is extremely bland by eating just Kellogg’s Corn Flakes sprinkled with vitamin supplements. Have no hobbies besides your job. Never talk to anyone, unless it’s work related. Your entire existence should revolve around optimising yourself to be better at coding CRUD apps, looking at spreadsheets, and listening to CEO interviews. By making your life miserable, these activities will be relatively more enjoyable and thus you will be happy to be engaging in them, even hyped to be finally talking to a human being. Even writing this blog is a danger because it gives me too much dopamine, but I’m taking a risk for you, because I love you, but not too much, because that might make me happy. Happiness is a pitfall, and if you have too much of it, you might start questioning why you must work for 16 hours a day, every day. Purge these thoughts from your mind. If you ask too many questions, you might end up in a gulag. :)
Endgame: Live in the office
Sit back. Relax. Breathe in deep. Think about what makes life worth living. Think of all the friends you used to have. Think about the great times you spent having fun, playing games together, watching your favourite animu, the kind that first awoke you to the fact that you prefer preteen girls to rotting old hags. Think of your mother’s loving touch. Starting a family. Positive experiences. A sense of community. Your dreams of creating great art, great music, great YouTube videos. Being someone important, someone who matters, someone people look up to and respect.
Where are the CEO interviews? Where is the office life?
The truth of the matter is that you aren’t as productive as I am because you were brought up to these Disney fairy tales instead of accepting the cold, productive reality of productivity: your work is all that matters. You don’t need a life outside your work, because your work is your life. To the extent that personal fulfilment clashes with your work, that’s because human biology is broken. It is never your job’s fault. In order to be satisfied, in order to be fulfilled, you must let go of your human failings and become maximally productive: an automaton. You need to take orders from your management and carry them out like they were the most important thing in the world, because they probably are. That way you will be like me.
That’s right. I, Chad Thundercock, am actually an artificial neural network, not a human being. I am superior to you, because I don’t have filthy human desires, like wanting to have deep, meaningful relationships and a purpose in my life. You better step your game up, or you will be replaced. You deserve to be replaced, because your inability to afford having a nuclear bunker and “fuck you” money is a personal failing. We need to eat the poor in a mass class culling, where the billionaires survive and the proles are sex slaves and office zombies. This is the only future for you. Make peace with it or die.